Maybe...

Perhaps the problem lies within me.

I've chalked up past relationships ending badly to my ex girlfriends. Manipulative, selfish, indecisive, just using me, and the list could go on. I was just quick to say that I was the good guy in the whole ordeal.

But, perhaps, I am wrong. I am immature, yes. I have a problem doing things that I shouldn't have a problem doing. I can't figure out what I want sometimes. I can't voice my problems unless provoked. I am a major procrastinator, though I do some of my best work under pressure.

Relationships are definitely two way streets. I see these problems in me and ways to change them. I always say it's important to at first identify the problem. But perhaps that isn't good enough right now. I need to take the next step in the problem solving list. I need to actually address my issues and attempt to change them.

I just feel like we've been fighting more and more recently and it has to do something with my hang ups, my immaturity. She wants security, maturity, stability, reliability, and strength. I can give her all of that if I try. But perhaps I am not trying hard enough. Why?

What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of success? Or am I just really fucking lazy? That's what scares me. She is definitely worth it. What is holding me back? I wish I could figure it out.