A Declaration of Love

Marriage.

I know that word scares her. This is her first real relationship. Truth be told, the word scares me too. With my past girlfriends, I thought of spending the rest of my life with them. I honestly thought I would. But I never wanted to get married to them. Marriage was something I had never wanted. I was pretty sure I would never want to get married.

But she makes me want that bond. She makes me want to take that next step. I don't know what it is about her, but, I feel so comfortable. I feel like she knows me, knows all of me. I feel like she can look inside of me and know what my heart is saying. I haven't felt like that about anyone.

She knows what I want to say when I cannot find the right words. She knows when I am angry before I even open my mouth. She knows how to soothe my rage and temper before I go too far.

She understands and likes my ridiculous sense of humor. She even matches my humor. She calls me on my lack of common sense and makes me pay attention to the world around me. She made me want to write again.

With one word, one gesture, one look, I can turn into putty at her feet and she knows it. She knows exactly where to touch and kiss to make my knees buckle.

A woman like this is not one I am willing to part with. She has a heart of gold that I haven't been able to find anywhere else. Her love is true. I've been with so many manipulators and liars. Her heart is genuine. I do not worry with her. All my walls have been beaten down by her gentle wear. There is no more resistance.

I love calling her mine. I love lazy Sundays after a crazy Saturday night of fucking. I love bringing her coffee and peanut butter toast in bed. I love waking up before her and just watching her. I love watching her wake up, those beautiful mocha eyes fluttering in the morning light.

I love her pouty lips and how fights between us never last longer than a day.

She has strength and confidence, if only she could temper it and master it. I love bringing them out of her. I love her bedroom eyes. I love our passion and lust.

I know I don't need marriage to be a declaration of love. But the feeling can't seem to leave me. I know what I want.

Maybe...

Perhaps the problem lies within me.

I've chalked up past relationships ending badly to my ex girlfriends. Manipulative, selfish, indecisive, just using me, and the list could go on. I was just quick to say that I was the good guy in the whole ordeal.

But, perhaps, I am wrong. I am immature, yes. I have a problem doing things that I shouldn't have a problem doing. I can't figure out what I want sometimes. I can't voice my problems unless provoked. I am a major procrastinator, though I do some of my best work under pressure.

Relationships are definitely two way streets. I see these problems in me and ways to change them. I always say it's important to at first identify the problem. But perhaps that isn't good enough right now. I need to take the next step in the problem solving list. I need to actually address my issues and attempt to change them.

I just feel like we've been fighting more and more recently and it has to do something with my hang ups, my immaturity. She wants security, maturity, stability, reliability, and strength. I can give her all of that if I try. But perhaps I am not trying hard enough. Why?

What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of success? Or am I just really fucking lazy? That's what scares me. She is definitely worth it. What is holding me back? I wish I could figure it out.

Jitters

I try to make writing an integral part of my life. However, it always seems to take a back seat to everything else I want to do.

Writing truly is work. It never just flows out naturally.

Write and write and write some more. This is what needs to be done by any aspiring writer.

I am exploring myself and coming into my butch self. I find that I am more comfortable right now as an extremely masculine butch than I have ever been in my entire life. For once, I feel right. This is who I am meant to be.

I am exploring my relationship, kink, sex, and adulthood. It's a journey into the unknown. Frankly, it scares the crap out of me.

I don't consider myself a great writer. I just want to do it until I know I can't do it anymore.